As You Love Me
by shinigami714
Summary: Kili falls in love with his brother but fears Fili's reaction, and so he suffers and keeps it to himself, until a certain moment. Fili/Kili, character death


AN: This story has been in my head for several days now, and in an effort to stop myself from feeling constant depression I have decided to write it finally. So now all of you can suffer too! Ha! I'd also like to thank everyone for the great feedback on my two Thorin/Bilbo stories. It's been for the most part very positive and they have received so many favourites. I'm so happy and very pleasantly surprised!

Pairing: Fili/Kili

Warnings: Character Death, incest, yada yada

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**As You Love Me**

Kili had always known his brother Fili. Since the time of his birth the two had been inseparable. Fili did his best to keep Kili out of harm's way, and Kili did his best to be more like his brother Fili. Kili loved his brother as brothers do, that much was obvious, but somewhere along the way Kili's love had morphed into something more.

He first noticed something was amiss on the night of Fili's eighteenth birthday. They had been at a local pub with many of their dwarven kin celebrating, and after several pints of ale Fili's attentions had turned to a pretty lass settled in the corner of the pub. At first it didn't bother Kili at all; in fact he found the drunken actions of his brother rather amusing. He remembered grinning at his brother's antics and then the lass had leaned forward and grasped one of Fili's braids pulling him in for a kiss. The grin was wiped clean off Kili's face in mere seconds. A pain had settled in his chest that the dwarf had never felt the likes of before and for the rest of the evening his face was filled with sorrow.

It took only a few months after the first incident for Kili to realize the pain in his chest was that of heartache. Their time spent together travelling to the Lonely Mountain had only increased the love Kili felt for his brother. As days passed he thought of him more, and watched him more. Each battle that passed caused his love for his brother only to grow. In the brief moments separated from his brother atop the stone giant's legs, Kili knew that he could not live without Fili. He knew he wanted to be with him and only him for the rest of his hopefully long life. But then when he looked into Fili's eyes and saw only the love of a brother in return, Kili knew it was an impossible dream.

His sadness grew, but he hid it well, still making jokes and jabs at the hobbit and other dwarves in the company. He smiled wickedly at his brother while they planned their pranks every evening and even more so when they set them up every morning. He thought that maybe just maybe he could live with this. Suffer in silence while keeping a happy smile on his face. As long as Fili was happy, Kili could be too. Then in the midst of Mirkwood, in the shroud of darkness, nightmares attacked Kili in the night.

He saw himself telling his brother how he loved him so, or his brother seeing it in his face. Then he saw the disgust appear on Fili's strong face. Such feelings directed at him, such emotions, from the brother he could never be apart from terrified Kili more than any orc or story of the devastation of Erebor ever had. Kili woke in the midst of night gasping for air. His eyes saw only black in the surrounding Mirkwood forest. His distress was great, and he soon felt tears well in his eyes. For the first time in Kili's young life he wept. He wept for the love he could never have, and the brother who would most certainly grow to hate him if he knew of it. Kili feared seeing his brother in the day, for what if his brother saw. What if he noticed the love in his eyes? And Kili feared sleep at night, for the night terrors that plagued him would surely kill him.

It did not take long for the company to notice his surly countenance. His brother questioned him first of course,

"Kili," he'd ask, "what is wrong my brother? You've barely spoken in days. You don't eat, you don't smile. I worry for you brother." The concern was visible plainly in Fili's eyes.

And Kili could almost convince himself that concern was love. Almost. He'd respond the same way as always, that he was fine and the long days were getting to him. That he just needed a good rest. He knew his brother saw through all that. No matter, as long as Fili never discovered the feelings that afflicted him, everything would be okay.

The dwarves soon reached the Lonely Mountain and when the great battle began Kili had eyes only for his brother on the battlefield. Fili of course had eyes only for him.

"To protect me," Kili whispered to himself, "because I am his brother. That is all."

Unfortunately this also meant that Fili did not have eyes on himself. Kili saw it first, a goblin charging atop a vicious warg, a great spear in his arms aimed right for his brother's beating heart. Kili didn't think, he just ran, fast as he could. Over the bodies of dead comrades and enemies alike he ran, until he reached his brother and shoved him hard away. He saw his brother's eyes widen and then he felt pain. It spread through his chest to his fingertips and toes, his breath caught and for a moment he couldn't breathe. His legs gave out and his knees fell hard to the uneven ground beneath him, though he did not feel when he hit earth. Kili gasped for air, his lungs pierced by the spear through his chest and he coughed up a great amount of blood in front of him.

Then his brother was there, in front of him, his eyes wide with shock, and his mouth moving fast and aggressively. Fili was yelling, though Kili could hear nothing but the ringing in his head. He was hit with the realization that he'd saved his brother. He'd saved the dwarf he'd fallen for so deeply. And for the first time in many days Kili smiled, a true smile. He noticed the beads in his brother's hair, and how expertly he had braided his beard, for it was neat even in the midst of battle. He noticed his bright eyes, wet with unshed tears, and the turn of his lips. He noticed even the strength of his shoulders and the roughness of his hands. And he knew, that in his last moments, he would regret everything if he did not tell his brother the truth.

"Forgive me brother," Kili spoke, his voice gravelly and he coughed after almost every word, "I have been lying to you."

Fili grasped Kili by his hair, his hands softly stroking the side of Kili's face and weaving through thick locks.

"Don't speak Kili, shhh, everything will be just fine. You're going to be just fine," Fili said in a shaky yet determined voice. Kili realised, even now, his brother was trying to protect him from the fear of death. Kili just smiled in return.

"I love you brother, forgive me," Kili pressed on.

Fili looked at him in confusion, no small amount of pain visible in his eyes,

"What is there to forgive? I love you, and I know you love me, we are brothers. Best friends."

Kili's smile saddened a bit and tears leaked from his eyes, falling down his face to drip beneath him.

"You misunderstand me brother," Kili's voice broke, rough with hacking and more blood flowed down his chin from his mouth, "I do not merely love you as a brother should. I am in love with you." Kili lowered his eyes, unable even now to see the hate that would surely reside in his brother's face. His brother's hands tightened around his face then reached beneath his chin, tugging upwards.

"Look at me Kili. Look at me. You idiot, you stupid dwarf. Look at me," Fili spoke, hushed but quickly. And Kili of course did as his brother asked. Tears dripped down Fili's face and in those eyes, Kili saw nothing but love in return. Pure love.

"Why did you not tell me Kili? Why did you not tell me that this is what plagued you? You are my world Kili. You are everything to me. I love you, as you love me," Fili's hands stroked down Kili's neck and he leant forward to place a chaste kiss on his lips, then on his nose, and his brow too. He kissed Kili's tears away and wiped loose hairs out of his face until at last Fili leant his forehead against his brother's and looked at his face.

Kili was sobbing, and hacking yet more blood to the ground below, which was now stained red. Still he managed to smile at Fili and speak once more,

"I am so happy brother," Kili spoke as his eyes became heavy. His tears mingled with his brother's and his body began to shake.

"Fili, I'm frightened," Kili whispered with quivering lips.

"Shhh, my love, everything will be fine. I am with you, and everything will be fine. I will protect you," Fili repeated into his ears many times until his sight faded to white, and not black as Kili once feared it might.

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AN: God damn it, the hobbit just makes me want to wrench out my heart, sew it back in, and then wrench it out all over again. Seriously though, after writing so much fluff lately, this was stupid hard to get out. Leave a comment and let me know what you think!


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